Angel Someone: How I lost my Dog and Found Compassion

Kitty Graveyard

kittten and Queene Anne's LaceLong before I ever visited a real graveyard, my family had an extensive Kitty Graveyard.

There was a shady spot on the far side of the backyard dedicated to all our cats who had died. Plots were separated into families and clans, all marked with the smooth, round, black and white stones that lined our neighbors’ fancy driveways.

I can easily recall summer afternoons searching for sticks to make fences under the Queen Anne’s Lace. We made headstones from cardboard wrapped in clear plastic. Little crosses were willow branches tied together with long blades of grass.

We had some famous cat names in our pet cemetery: Liza Sheba, Engelbert Humperdinck III. There were several graves, small, all the same age from a litter of kittens that didn’t live more than a day. It was a pleasant pastime to clean the weeds, re-wrap the crosses, sit on the edge of the known universe, so close to the edge of the neighborhood, and wonder where all those cats and kittens had gone. Wonder whether they were thinking of me. Wonder what their souls became.

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Here’s an interesting group called the Pet Loss Professionals Alliance whose mission is to provide education and opportunities for professional growth for providers of pet-related death care services.

Pet Loss Professionals Alliance logo

Pet Loss Matters

Asher and Sparkles, Dec, 2006My post on Sparkles’ last hours was posted on Pet Loss Matters, a wonderful site dedicated to stories and tributes about our loved ones that have gone beyond. Please check it out if you have a moment.

Waiting for Transformation

12:00 noon. I slept for about three hours. Back up and I walk into the living room and to my office door and look at Sparkles, watch to see if she is still breathing. I can’t tell. My eyes are so tired, I’m not sure about what I’m seeing. I kneel down and look closer, into her face and the line down her nose that shows black fur on one side, orange on the other.

She sees me, or senses my presence. Her whiskers twitch. Dear girl, are you still here? Her eyes squint just a fraction. I stroke her paw, her skinny shoulder. Her whole left front leg stretches out to greet me. Big girl, why are you hanging on?

I lie down next to her for a bit. She hasn’t moved her position in ten hours. Each breath is so small. I want her to stop breathing and be at peace. How long can she go on without eating, moving, drinking? I try to force her mouth open to give her water but it is solidly shut. And when I do put water on her lips, the smell is foul.

You take your time, I tell her. But I wonder if she is waiting for something. And I wonder at how strange it is that she got so bad yesterday, as I am in this week-long push to get my “Angel Someone” eBook ready for the Web. Could she be waiting for me to finish it? Or could she be waiting for an empty room, for privacy, as my friend suggested she might? While I napped, my husband was up, and I woke up just as he was leaving to go into town. So there’s always been someone nearby.

It’s hard to type on so little sleep; my fingers forget the keys.

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Nurse Cat

6:30a.m. I pick up Sparkle’s head and she has no strength left to hold it up herself. Are you gone, sweet one? I ask. Her eyes are open, wet and black. But she’s still in there. Her breath continues to lift her rib cage up and down. So close now. She made it to sunrise, but I’m not sure it will be much longer.

In the middle of the night, I sat down next to her to spend some time and the Orange cat decided my lap was a nice, warm cushion, especially in front of the space heater at 3am. We sat for awhile, and when I got up, he sniffed at Sparkles and sat down on her blankets with her. She couldn’t complain. There was never any love lost between them; Sparkles was always the alpha-cat, and if she hadn’t been so sick, a hiss, a look would have sent him skittering away.

So he perched his big orange fur-ness nearly on top of her skinny legs, now covered with a blanket to keep the warmth in. I had to push his big butt aside more than once. Don’t squish her, I told him.

And it was then that I remembered Sparkle’s other role in our home; she was a nurse. She had an uncanny sense of knowing when to dispense compassion. Whenever anyone got sick, she would come right up to you and sit as close as possible, insisting you partake of her catness. I remember several occasions of extreme sadness when I would have my head in my hands, only to feel her wet nose and find her right in my face, looking at me intensely.

The sunrise is heavy with clouds. Sparkles is more than halfway in the other world.

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A Cat’s Life

Asher and Sparkles from December, 2006.

Asher and Sparkles, Dec, 2006

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Resting Quietly

1:00a.m. Sparkles’ head feels so cold to me as she lies under the Christmas tree tonight. I’ll leave the small space heater on, though I don’t think I’ll be going to bed.

I sit by her and ask her if she remembers the mice she caught and brought into the house, how the air smells outside, how the grass felt. I remind her that her nickname is “Bear” because she is fearless, and brave and big.

I pet her head and stroke her body, but she lifts her paw and puts it on my hand, just as if she were telling me to stop. I hold her paw for a while; she doesn’t mind that.

Shudders pass through her body. She doesn’t close her eyes. When she looks at me, they are deep and black. I try to give her water with an eyedropper, but she won’t open her mouth. She looks at me as if to say, This is far beyond drinking anymore.

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Vigil for Sparkles

Sparkles7:00p.m. Little did I know that when I started this website to promote my eBook, “Angel Someone”, that just as I was putting the final touches on it, my old, dear cat would decide to leave this world.

Sparkles came to us 12 years ago and was a mature cat, so we can only guess at her age being between 16 and 19. For the last year, I have been on guard, watching as her weight and strength slowly ebbed away, as the vet told us it would.

But this afternoon, I noticed she was hanging around in the hallway, not following the sun through the house as usual. I brought her water to her but she didn’t drink it. She made retching noises, but didn’t throw up. I knew then that her time was coming.

I picked her up and brought her to the living room where we had a heating pad for her on the couch, but she didn’t like that. Instead, she camped out in front of my office door, right in the middle of traffic.

When I broke for work in the afternoon, I put my red down vest over her old bones. It had been under the Christmas tree since before the holidays for her to lie on. She squirmed out from under the vest and sat on top of it instead. I brought her a special treat: tuna juice, but she turned her head away. That’s when I noticed her tail was wet, that she had peed on the jacket. So I knew she was really near the end because she couldn’t make it to the litter box.

I called a good friend who was a vet’s assistant and asked her what I could do. She told me to take a cloth dipped in warm water and ring it out well, than going in the direction of her fur, clean her legs and tail, because she would want to be clean, even if she can’t do it for herself. Then using a dry cloth, slowly dry her off. Keep her warm by putting the heating pad behind her. Stroke her from between her ears all the way down her spine in a long, slow, gentle rhythm which will calm her heart. And keep old towels nearby because it could get messy in the end. She also suggested putting a little bit of water on her lips.

So I used a warm, wet rag, like a big mother cat’s tongue which I could see she appreciated. I made her a bed of towels which she instantly climbed into under the Christmas tree. And I turned the space heater on and placed it several feet away.

Her tail and legs are dry and clean now. Her breathing is shallow. Her eyes are open and far away. I called my daughter who just adopted her first cat this weekend and named him Schopenhauer. She was sad to hear about Sparkles and whispered in her ear over my phone, her big grey cat talking in the background.

Asher made us a dinner of bean burritos and salad, but I couldn’t eat much of it. I went back to stroking Sparkles, telling her she could turn it all around if she wanted to. But that if she decided to go, I would be happy for her on her journey. I told he she was brave and fearless, that her nickname, Bear, attested to that. She tries to get up, but wobbles and falls down.

I called Colin, too, and let him know. He was out with friends, I could hear them laughing in the background.

The one thing my friend also said was not to take it personally if I get up to eat or go to the bathroom and she dies, that she may want the privacy.

For now, Asher and I take turns sitting by her, petting her slowly, and loving her.

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