Angel Someone: How I lost my Dog and Found Compassion

Kitty Graveyard

kittten and Queene Anne's LaceLong before I ever visited a real graveyard, my family had an extensive Kitty Graveyard.

There was a shady spot on the far side of the backyard dedicated to all our cats who had died. Plots were separated into families and clans, all marked with the smooth, round, black and white stones that lined our neighbors’ fancy driveways.

I can easily recall summer afternoons searching for sticks to make fences under the Queen Anne’s Lace. We made headstones from cardboard wrapped in clear plastic. Little crosses were willow branches tied together with long blades of grass.

We had some famous cat names in our pet cemetery: Liza Sheba, Engelbert Humperdinck III. There were several graves, small, all the same age from a litter of kittens that didn’t live more than a day. It was a pleasant pastime to clean the weeds, re-wrap the crosses, sit on the edge of the known universe, so close to the edge of the neighborhood, and wonder where all those cats and kittens had gone. Wonder whether they were thinking of me. Wonder what their souls became.

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Here’s an interesting group called the Pet Loss Professionals Alliance whose mission is to provide education and opportunities for professional growth for providers of pet-related death care services.

Pet Loss Professionals Alliance logo

The Absence of a Loved One

Orange kitty in the sunIt’s been over a week since Sparkles died, and the orange cat doesn’t have to share any of the sunlight or the food or the litter box.

While she was sick, it was always a chore to clean up after her, but I knew one day I would be sad she wasn’t around. And today I look at the litter box and I am sad not to see her mess!

Thank you to everyone who read about her last days and commiserated with me in my grief. Several people mentioned they started reading the posts at work and began crying and couldn’t stop. I feel better after I have expressed grief, although I don’t know why that is. I feel washed and purified.

Other people mentioned that they grieved for others when reading her story. I know when my mom died, every little thing that upset me brought that grief back. Like a touchstone, other stories of sadness link back and back through our lives like a string of pearls, moving from one bead to the next. These days I don’t find myself crying over my mom, but that was 18 years ago, so the pain has mellowed.

Feel free to use the comment part of this blog to share any stories of pet loss you have; we all learn from each others’ experiences. The goal, I think, is not to be stronger, but to know there are others who have been there, too, and we are not alone. You can also read the story of the loss of my dog, Angel, in a free pdf by clicking on the book cover in the top right corner of every page on this site.

Elegy for a Cat

Sparkles in 2007, cozy in a "Cuties" box.

I miss the sound of her toenails on the kitchen floor. When I told Asher that this morning, he said, I actually don’t.

I sit down at my desk chair and look down to make sure I don’t bump her, but she’s not there.

We watch a movie tonight and she doesn’t come bugging us to sit in our laps.

She’s gone in that way.

We buried her today, put rocks on top of the dirt, so red in the white snow.

I miss her, in the way that I miss a person when they’re gone. There was a dialogue I had with her that I didn’t have with anyone else, and it wasn’t verbal. It was rooted in family, it made sense in looks and heart. She knew how late I stayed up, she heard how I talked to myself when everyone else was out of the house, she understood my hurt, would find me if I was crying, and hiding. She made me honest and protective.

I miss her in that way, too.

I miss finding her sleeping in the middle of our bed, a curled ballerina, head to her toes, on top of the white down comforter.

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Vigil for Sparkles

Sparkles7:00p.m. Little did I know that when I started this website to promote my eBook, “Angel Someone”, that just as I was putting the final touches on it, my old, dear cat would decide to leave this world.

Sparkles came to us 12 years ago and was a mature cat, so we can only guess at her age being between 16 and 19. For the last year, I have been on guard, watching as her weight and strength slowly ebbed away, as the vet told us it would.

But this afternoon, I noticed she was hanging around in the hallway, not following the sun through the house as usual. I brought her water to her but she didn’t drink it. She made retching noises, but didn’t throw up. I knew then that her time was coming.

I picked her up and brought her to the living room where we had a heating pad for her on the couch, but she didn’t like that. Instead, she camped out in front of my office door, right in the middle of traffic.

When I broke for work in the afternoon, I put my red down vest over her old bones. It had been under the Christmas tree since before the holidays for her to lie on. She squirmed out from under the vest and sat on top of it instead. I brought her a special treat: tuna juice, but she turned her head away. That’s when I noticed her tail was wet, that she had peed on the jacket. So I knew she was really near the end because she couldn’t make it to the litter box.

I called a good friend who was a vet’s assistant and asked her what I could do. She told me to take a cloth dipped in warm water and ring it out well, than going in the direction of her fur, clean her legs and tail, because she would want to be clean, even if she can’t do it for herself. Then using a dry cloth, slowly dry her off. Keep her warm by putting the heating pad behind her. Stroke her from between her ears all the way down her spine in a long, slow, gentle rhythm which will calm her heart. And keep old towels nearby because it could get messy in the end. She also suggested putting a little bit of water on her lips.

So I used a warm, wet rag, like a big mother cat’s tongue which I could see she appreciated. I made her a bed of towels which she instantly climbed into under the Christmas tree. And I turned the space heater on and placed it several feet away.

Her tail and legs are dry and clean now. Her breathing is shallow. Her eyes are open and far away. I called my daughter who just adopted her first cat this weekend and named him Schopenhauer. She was sad to hear about Sparkles and whispered in her ear over my phone, her big grey cat talking in the background.

Asher made us a dinner of bean burritos and salad, but I couldn’t eat much of it. I went back to stroking Sparkles, telling her she could turn it all around if she wanted to. But that if she decided to go, I would be happy for her on her journey. I told he she was brave and fearless, that her nickname, Bear, attested to that. She tries to get up, but wobbles and falls down.

I called Colin, too, and let him know. He was out with friends, I could hear them laughing in the background.

The one thing my friend also said was not to take it personally if I get up to eat or go to the bathroom and she dies, that she may want the privacy.

For now, Asher and I take turns sitting by her, petting her slowly, and loving her.

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